On October 13 2022 I FELT the presence of Jesus. I want to clarify Felt because that is exactly what it was a feeling. And with that feeling I felt alive. So alive in fact I started DOING THINGS that I would have never would have done. I started praying for others outside of church and volunteering and starting a daily bible study and last even seeing visions of people. But in all of this I was holding on to a FEELING of Jesus. I tried to compensate by doing THINGS to keep the FEELING of Jesus. Yes I know works do not get us closer to Jesus and I knew that but I did not have a foundation in Jesus just a feeling that I was holding onto deeply. With time that feeling started to fade. I remember my co-worker telling me that she noticed a change in the way I carried myself and I was not as happy as I was. This lady was not a “Godly” person but even she knew that something inside was changing. I lived this way for many months searching for the FEELING of Jesus that I first felt on October 13th that never came.

I remember standing on the stage at church and confessing in front of the congregation that my nephew baby Cleo will live. For those that do not know Cleo had many health issues including lungs not developed, heart problems, deformed body, along with broken bones. Doctors told his parents that he would not likely make it through birth let alone have a normal life. Hearing this news I knew that he would be healed. I rejected the people who said otherwise by citing scripture and praying. The time came for Cleo’s birth day and we were all gathered around each praying in front of the parents. Most prayers were if it be your will lord do what you want. The normal prayer when we do not know what really to pray for. When it was my turn to pray I prayed for complete healing. Not just making it out alive but being completely healed. I could almost feel the people in the room and pastors
​looking at me like what are you doing. To be honest I thought the same thing when they were praying. God’s will? Read the Bible is what I was thinking. God’s will is for complete healing and I knew that I had the power to change the outcome. Baby Cleo was born and the mother was in great health but Cleo was still not healed so I remember touching him and praying over him and asking God to heal this child completely and I believed Jesus was going to heal him. 8 Days later Erica got the call that Cleo had passed away. I remember sitting on the couch and being so shocked It was like I just lost all feeling. How could this happen? I prayed so hard and believed undoubtedly that He would be healed. Why was I not able to heal this child?

From then my life started to gradually fall apart. I stopped volunteering at church and I started another job that did not allow me to continue leading Wednesday night group service. The online bible study that I started stopped. I felt alone. I stopped reading my bible and I ultimately stopped coming to church. I started doing drugs and not caring about anything. As this was happening I kept pushing my wife further and further away. Attacking her with my words and speaking death over our kids. I thought about suicide daily and how I did not want my wife and my kids in my life anymore. Finally I had a major panic attack and I called my wife and told her I was losing my mind. I left work early and drove home only to find someone who I was not expecting in my driveway.

Where was the church while I was struggling? I do not mean the pastor, I mean the church. Did no one notice I stopped volunteering or even coming to church? Did no one notice my wife sitting by herself crying out to God? She told me people asked about me and where I was. Finally she told them IDK where he is. Not only did I give up but my wife also started to give up. Randomly I would get a text but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Let me be clear I do not blame the church for my downfall. I let the devil get a foothold in my life which led me down this road of sin and shame. It would have been nice though to feel like someone other than my wife cared about me. Jesus left the 99 to find the 1. And thank God for Jesus because if it were up to the Church I would be dead.

Remember how I ended the aftermath? Having a panic attack, quitting work early and going home. Well there was someone at my house waiting for me. Sheila was there and she told me that Jesus told her to come over to my house. She gave me life when I had no life left. She prayed over me and my wife and said she was going to come weekly to study a book. Well the week after she showed up to the house but I was not there. I stood her up at my own house. Yes this is the recovery part so just chill. It gets better. A week or two later I finally decided to come to church. Showing up late and on drugs. I sat down on the side in the back. We had a guest speaker that day, George Calico. And man did Jesus speak through George. He called me out by name in church in front of the whole congregation. My first time going back to church in two months or so and I got called out. Hearing this I knew that the lord was telling me you have 2 options. Get up or die. That upcoming Wednesday I went to a small group
​led by Brandon Gatsby and he was talking about Jesus and upon hearing him teach. Jesus started to nudge my heart.

The pivotal moment in my life was hearing Bill Vanderbush preach. He explained first Adam and last Adam and how when Jesus died he took away everything, all the sin and shame. My mind was blown. I grew up in a church that taught we are born sinners born out of transgressions at birth. This never made sense because it took away the reason Jesus came in the first place. Until this message I never understood how to have a relationship with Jesus. After hearing this and over the next few weeks my heart was breaking. Everything that was holding me in bondage started to overwhelm me as if Jesus himself was changing me from the inside. This led me to the foundation I have with Jesus today

Everything came to a head 2 weeks after hearing Bill Vanderbush preach. I remember sitting in the phew after the songs during the prayer time. and it was like Jesus was saying let’s go. Live for me. I got up and found Carol and we went to see George and Sheila standing in the front. I gave my life to King Jesus that day. He accepted me as I was, no conditions. He told me the only way I can remove myself from Him was my actions. And he told me to ask for forgiveness from certain individuals. Since that day the Lord has been steadily navigating me. Showing me how I need to love myself, my wife and my children. Removing the pieces of me that do not align with him and giving me peace. My biggest fight through my life was the battle in my mind. The thoughts of self doubt, unworthiness, not belonging, temptation, and everything in between. By the grace of God I no longer fight this battle anymore. Jesus fights my battles now.

Jesus is the reason for my salvation. It was nothing I did to receive it, It was freely given. I had to make a decision to accept it. I know that many of you struggle with the thoughts of the mind. I want you to know that you do not have to live this way. Jesus can remove the unworthiness, you feel. Jesus can remove the pain you carry. Jesus can remove everything you hate about yourself. Jesus is the answer. And he does not care how nasty you are. He will meet you wherever you are and he will build you up changing your heart little by little until He is all that remains. This decision to follow Jesus is yours to make and he will be waiting patiently for you. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. Search your heart and see what life with Jesus is like. He Is everything you could ever want at a cost you will never have to pay for. Jesus is calling people to his kingdom. If that is you stand on your feet ready to carry His cross. He is the overcomer that you need in your life.
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This is raw and unfiltered, because someone is struggling exactly like I have been. We as “believers” are caught up on the blessing of Jesus when most people who attend church are hurting and searching. Jesus is searching for the sick at heart. The people who say everything is fine but inside they are dying.
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I think we need to start looking at the church as a hospital. Let’s break this down. The pastors are the lead doctors and the one who directs all the nurses physically. The pastors rely on the spirit of Jesus to direct him completely. They are held accountable by their congregation. They do weekly meetings to help boost up his other nurses. And occasionally steps in with all the other nurses when needed. They give us marching orders and help to prepare us for the week to come.

Next we have the nurses. These people work under the authority of Jesus just as the pastor does; however they are meant to teach and heal the world under the name of Jesus. I want to clarify who these nurses are. These are members of the church who have a firm foundation in Christ, who have persevered through the storms keeping their eyes fixed on Jesus and having Joy during any situation. These nurses report to the lead doctor and also to Jesus.

Next we have the babies. Yes, the precious babies of Christ, some in their teens some in their 20s all the way up to their late 90s. These babies heard the word of Jesus either through the lead doctors or the nurses or by Jesus himself. They have turned from the ways of the world and now belong under that salvation of Jesus Christ. They are hungry and they are
eager to learn. They soak up everything that is told to them regardless of understanding. These babies need the nurses to feed them, mentor them, and surround them with Jesus. Showing them how to read the bible, explaining questions, giving them correct resources. And nurturing their heart.

Lastly we have the sick. These people may not be physically sick or have the appearance of sickness but their heart is sick. Their mind is full of satan and he leads them astray purposely trying to kill them. These people are reaching out to Jesus asking for help. They come to the hospital (church) every Sunday getting a little bit of encouragement from the lead doctor but fall right back into satan’s trap. They need the nurse's help. Some don’t know how to ask, some don’t want to ask, some are waiting for Jesus to move first. It is the nurses’s job to use the spirit that has been given to them to find these people and to not be afraid to talk to them. Reaching out to the sick is not condemnation but love. Jesus did not say to come to me you must be perfect. He said the exact opposite. He searches for the sick, the hungry, the broken, the people who have nothing left. Compassion and love is what they find when they meet the nurses because the nurse is full of Jesus.

​Everyone in this church falls into one of these categories. Woe to you who are nurses but yet choose to not heal. Woe to you the nurses that choose to not teach. Woe to you the nurses who choose not to listen to God’s voice.